ENGINEERING HUMOR

Hey, sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself! Here's a little engineering humor that helps us to do just that.

Arguing with an Engineer
Arguing with an engineer is a lot like wrestling in the mud with a pig. After a few hours, you realize that he likes it.

AutoCAD Monkey
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have an AutoCAD monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much""

The Shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can draw in AutoCAD - very fast, clear layouts, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do""

"Oh, that one's a Design monkey; it can design systems, layout projects, mark-up drawings, write specifications, some even calculate. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in its own cage. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do""

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but it says it's an Engineer."

The Average Math Knowledge of Society
Two mathematicians, Joe and Richard , were having dinner in a restaurant. They were arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. Richard claimed that this average was woefully inadequate while Joe maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what, " said Richard, "when I get back from the bathroom we'll ask our waitress a simple calculus question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do, okay""

They agreed, but once he'd left Joe called the waitress over. "When my friend comes back, " he told her, " he's going to ask you a question; you should respond 'one third x cubed' no matter what the question is; got that" There's twenty bucks in it for you." She happily agreed to the gag.

Richard returned from the mens room and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful," he stated, "incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is""

The waitress looked startled, then pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet , made gurgling noises, (Joe was starting to sweat) and finally said, "Umm, one third x cubed""

Joe beamed in relief as an astonished Richard paid the check and a clearly irritated waitress muttered under her breath, "... plus a constant."

Engineer as a Designer of the Human Body
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''
Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems many thousands of electrical connections.''
The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area"''

 Engineering Rules
1. Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.
2. Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
3. A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.
4. If you can't fix it -- document it.
5. The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

Engineering Terminologies
1. A number of different approaches are being tried. (We don't know where we're going, but we're moving.)
2. Close project coordination. (We should have asked someone else.)
3. An extensive report is being prepared on a fresh approach to the problem. (We just hired 3 guys. We'll let them kick it around for a while.)
4. Major technological breakthrough. (Back to the drawing board.)
5. Customer satisfaction believed assured. (We're so far behind schedule that the customer is happy to get anything at all from us.)
6. Preliminary operational tests were inconclusive. (The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch!)
7. The test results were extremely gratifying. (It works and boy are we surprised.)
8. The entire concept will have to be abandoned. (The only guy who understood the thing quit.)
9. It is in the process. (It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.)
10. We will look into it. (By the time the wheel makes a full turn, we will assume you have forgotten about it.)
11. Please note and initial. (Let's spread the responsibility for this job.)
12. Give us the benefit of your thinking. (We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we have already done.)
13. Give us your interpretation. (Your warped opinion will be pitted against our good sense.)
14. See me, or Let's discuss. (Come down to my office, I'm lonesome.)
15. All new. (Parts not interchangeable with previous design.)
16. Rugged. (Too heavy to lift.)
17. Lightweight. (Lighter than rugged.)
18. Years of development. (Finally got one that worked.)
19. Energy saving. (Achieved when the power switch is off.)
20. No maintenance. (Impossible to fix!)

Great Engineering Quote
Engineers aren't boring people, we just get excited over boring things.--Anon.

Half Full or Half Empty"
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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